“Choices will continually be necessary and — let us not forget — possible. Obedience to God is always possible. It is a deadly error to fall into the notion that when feelings are extremely strong we can do nothing but act on them.”
― Elisabeth Elliot, Discipline
I’m avoiding it – I’m avoiding it with house cleaning, and blog reading, and resume-writing…
In every way, choosing a job feels too permanent. As an idealist who has spent the past 18 years of in school, accepting “a job” sounds so dramatic, so foreign, like it should be met with waving banners and applause. School lets you dream, encouraging your mind to reach into that far corner of life of where you see yourself in 10, 15, 20 years. They don’t often ask: “Where do you see yourself next year?”
Well … until this year.
I’ve been asked that question nearly every day. I’ve answered firmly, decisively and passionately: I want to serve, advocate for and counsel children with hearing loss and their families. But when it finally comes down to it … when the opportunity has been placed in my lap with glowing compliments and recommendations and delighted joy – the job I’ve spent 2 years imagining for myself is here … I’m frozen in indecision.
Is this what I wanted?
How can I possibly love God, serve Bryan, devote myself to giving children speech, language, & hearing, and keep myself focused and healthy?
“Choose that employment or calling …
in which you may be most serviceable to God.
Choose not that in which you may be most rich or honourable in the world.”
– Richard Baxter
I will tell you now, much of this current indecision deals with financial and emotional concerns rather than career uncertainties.
But, as I’ve mentioned here before, I can’t shake this debate we are faced with: What does it mean to have a career? What does it mean to be a speech-pathologist with a strong career? When will I stop being an idealist?
I’m reminded of my words from almost a year ago:
“I have plans for a career (whatever that means to you) – I’m paying for two years of graduate school and I’m thrilled for my CAREER as a Speech Pathologist. But I’m under no delusion that what I WANT for my life ends in “Speech Pathologist.” I’m certain God’s plan extends beyond that workspace. I’m currently pursuing something that fulfills me, that fills me with JOY. But I’m learning to let that die, realizing it’s not the most important thing about me. And if I ever “give it up,” that doesn’t mean I’m anti-feminist.
Or that I’m a “housewife,”
Or a mysogynist. Or whatever.” (Marriage + Me Woman. Me Powerful)
I don’t have my answer for you today, friends. I just have these thoughts and a paralyzing desire to do the right thing.
Will you be thinking and praying for me?
I PROMISE to let you know once the decision has been made. Bryan and I are talking, thinking, praying, wondering tonight.
“I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge; and my judgment is just because I seek not my own will, but the will of him who sent me.
– John 5:30